I knew this moment would come one day. The moment when doubt would besiege me. A flurry of questions and thoughts pulling down my motivation and the joy of my decision. Everyday life helped a lot with this. Lots of activities, packing, signing the contract for transporting things, giving notice for the surgery, for the flat, electricity, gas and internet. It’s really happening. I’m closing another door, not to say I’m burning bridges. Not there yet, and no longer here.
I’m feeling strange and a little frightened. And so it happened. I squat on the fold of my dressing gown and think deeply. I don’t know when noon has passed. Me still in my dressing gown. Afternoon, and I in my dressing gown. And suddenly, it was as if someone had plugged me in. I jumped into the shower, then into my clothes. I grabbed my bags of office stuff and flew to work in a hop. I quickly did what I’d been gathering for all day.
And the phone rang. From my sister ❤️ I already knew that this ‘electricity’, this energy was coming from Eve and the other women she was spending the weekend with. “I felt I had to call you. Just now,” I heard. Tears shone in my eyes. I was just in the shop. I went to get some wooden spades and spoons. And as I sat there with them, I listened to the words of support and love coming straight to my Soul. Every minute, I straightened up more and more, a smile lifted the corners of my mouth and my eyes no longer sparkled with tears, but with pure joy.
Carried by this wave, I went to the cinema to see a film called ‘Simona’. A documentary film about Simona Kossak, who moved to the Bialowieza Forest from Krakow. And during the screening, Simona answered my questions and dispelled my doubts. This petite woman lived alone in the middle of the forest in winter. She burned in the cooker with a fence that was gradually being dismantled, because she still had no wood. There was also a lack of water, electricity and light. I mused. “That’s just like me”. – I thought. There is no wood, no electricity and no light on my land. There is not even a house to live in. Well, but it is warm. I can live in a tent. And although I’m flying there alone, I have neighbours.
I came back from the cinema uplifted, calm and resigned to the fact that there will be inconveniences, that there is a lot of uncertainty. “One thing at a time” – I repeat to myself as an unruly mind tries to gallop into the future.
“On earth we are just roommates.”
“Wild is beautiful.”
“A man is free as long as he wants to be.”
“Do not rejoice when you are praised, do not despair when you are rebuked. Do your work without expecting results. All that matters is the way, only the action.”
“The ultimate success for me will be if I die a little better than I was born.”
“Water should not be required to quench one’s thirst and keep one’s lips wet at the same time.”
These are her words. The woman they said smelled of the forest. A rebel, a witch who knows the speech of animals, St Francis of Assisi, only in a female version. I saw her like that in this film. Where tears mingled with laughter as the raven forced his attention and the feral Frog slept on the couch under which Simona lay. I recommend the film to watch. I left it with a light heart. The doubts stayed in the forest and fell like autumn leaves.